


the emptiness of being

by brittlepml



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012, Dan Howell Has An Eating Disorder, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 13:20:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18411467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brittlepml/pseuds/brittlepml
Summary: dan deals with an eating disorder and the dread that comes with having no direction in life





	the emptiness of being

Most people love food, most people are passionate about food. Maybe once upon a time I was one of them, but for the past ten or so years I’ve had a love-hate relationship with it. 

I don’t know when it started, when snacking turned into emotional eating or dieting became an addiction, but I do remember the first time I lost a ton of weight.

I was thirteen years old, I had been bullied my whole life for being a chubby kid and that summer I lost my appetite. I barely ate one meal a day for three months and the weight came off. Everyone complimented me, told me how thin I was, so I guess I should have been happy but I didn’t believe them because all I could see when I looked in the mirror was the fat boy I have always been.

Eventually I learned how to purge and skip meals, how easy it can be to go days without eating and have no one notice, because no one is ever paying attention. How extremely easy it can be to lose weight and how it's even easier to put it back on. I've always been an extremist, I'd eat too little or too much, never finding a middle ground. Maybe that's why I've never been truly skinny, as soon as I like how my body is looking something in me reacts by forcing me to ruin all my progress and I just start all over again. In reality all I want is to be sick enough, but people only perceive you as such when you're dying, so I'm stuck looking just fine to everyone around me, keeping my habits to myself.

So that takes me to now, standing in the cereal aisle trying to figure out which tasteless cereal has the least calories per serving. Grocery shopping can be a nightmare but it’s more doable when I do it on my own, when I have to do it with my parents I end up not buying anything because I don’t want to seem like a fatass by purchasing food, my looks alone already make it clear that that’s all I am anyway.

I end up picking up one boring sounding one, pick up my usual greek yogurt and go to the checkout. Sometimes cashiers give you weird looks when all your purchases sound like diet food, I often wonder if they judge me for my weight; they must think I’ve just joined Weight Watchers not that I’ve been gaining and losing the same 30 pounds over and over again for the past 7 years. 

On my walk home I wonder whether I’ll ever actually be thin, thin enough that people in the street would look my way and think I should put on a few pounds, maybe that I’m on heroin since not many people are well informed about eating disorders, let alone would ever picture a 6'4 tall man having one. 

 

My parents aren’t home as usual, so I leave my groceries in the kitchen and go up to my room. I don’t live at home anymore but I’m staying here over the summer to figure out what I want to do with my life. I started a law course I couldn’t handle and after joining the club of law drop outs I haven’t found any career I’d actually enjoy studying, so I’ve just been starting and dropping out of several courses since then and I’m growing tired of it. 

I wish I had been born gifted and had some sort of talent I could exploit but I’m below average at everything I ever considered I was good at. Maybe I could be a cliché and become a nutritionist, shouldn’t be too hard since I already know the basics of everything regarding food. Ha, might consider it actually. If I actually got a degree then I could give my parents something to be proud of.

My old best friend Phil did get a degree, of course he did, not only did he get a Bachelor’s degree but he also got a Master’s. I wish I was more like him, he has a thriving youtube career going on for him, all I have is an empty stomach and the ability to make people leave me. 

Maybe if we still talked he could give me some advice, but of course, I already fucked that one up. I always considered myself good at dealing with loss but I had never lost a best friend before and it hurt more than I thought it possibly could.

Another topic to bring up at the therapist’s office, not that her advice is any helpful, but my parents were nice enough to pay for her services so I had to keep going and pretend that I was doing better, that their son wasn’t a fuck up with no life direction. Keeping up the pretence is easier than being true to myself or to them, so I’ll spend an hour talking about Phil and smile when the lady tells me everything will get better.

For now though I’ll binge watch Supersize vs Superskinny while snacking on two rice cakes with a tbsp. of honey and forget about the endless doom that is existence.

**Author's Note:**

> this is a Mess, i just had feelings and decided to write them down. i do recommend watching Supersize vs Superskinny though 10/10


End file.
